Saturday, August 27, 2011

Nine Years and 364 Days Ago

Thank you God for the gift of my son Joseph.  I realize that he is yours and I am his keeper for you.  Help me guide him, support him, and love him as you do for me.

I was scared and lonely when I was pregnant with Joseph.  We lived in Livermore, California--far away from family and friends.  I lost my first baby before Joseph.  I'm not sure why God made the choice to take that baby but I do know that because of our loss we have become different parents. 

I told Eric on our first date that I wanted 6 kids.  He did not run so I figured he was on board with my "number".  Eric knew how much I wanted to be a Mom and he knew how devastating it was to have such a traumatic loss.  He hid his heartbreak in order to keep me going.  I will always be grateful for that.  Eric is a loving father to our kids on Earth and our kids in Heaven.

We were both so excited to be pregnant and scared to death at the same time.  The night before Joseph was born--nine years ago and 364 days ago my doula came to the house and calmed our fears.  She gave me an awesome massage.  I felt light and wonderful--like I could do anything.  Then I did the most amazing thing--I popped out a baby!  The birthing was pretty easy and all caught on video.  I wanted to save every moment in case this was my only chance to have a baby.  That fear of loss never really goes away--it just hides.

Joseph is an awesome kid.  I can't believe he is almost 10.  He comes to give me a kiss every night--he stays up much later than I--and I love his smiling eyes.  God gave me a most incredible gift and I thank him each day.  God made me a Mom and he picked out Joseph just for me.  Now that is an awesome God.  I tell Joseph that he is here because God made him for this family.  I haven't told him the rest of the story--that he has more siblings waiting for him in heaven who cheer for him at his soccer games and watch over him.  For now I am keeping those comforting thoughts to myself.

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