Are we there yet?

I love the image of Mary riding a donkey.  I wonder what it was like for Mary the last week of her pregnancy?  I did have a December baby and getting ready for Christmas that year was tough.  I had planned ahead so much yet it was not enough.  I still felt rushed.  The Christmas celebration had not turned out the way I wanted.   I took the Christ out of Christmas that year--not intentionally it just sort of happened. 

I have a pregnant Mary riding a donkey with Joseph carved of wood and it lives year round on my dresser so that I can have a constant reminder of her journey.  I have random thoughts during the year--what did they eat, how long was the journey, as a pregnant woman where did she go to the bathroom (50 times a day), riding a donkey or even walking during the last week as that baby is getting ready to pop out . . . or was Jesus breech--uuggh  I remember that feeling.  Was the donkey a nice donkey or one with an attitude.  When Eric and I travel we have "travel rules" and I wonder if Mary and Joseph had them too? 

Thank you Mary for saying "yes" to God.  Help me during my day to say "yes" hundreds of times joyfully.  Mary help me also understand when I need say "yes" to slowing down so that I may rejoice in how God is working in all of our lives. 

Should have called her Joy!

Happy Birthday my sweet Olivia! 

I look at Olivia and I see joy.  I see curiosity, I see helpfulness, I see a love for animals, I see a girl who loves to make things--just to make them, I see a need to be just who she is! 

Olivia seeks truth and speaks it--even if it hurts the listener.  Olivia does what Olivia wants to do and she is willing to pay the price for not being a follower. 

Olivia is organized, plans AND then gets everyone to follow her idea.  I remember when I had lunch duty and Joseph was in 2nd grade--Olivia created the slide game where she picked out who would go down and in what order--and they did it--happily. 

I remember the moment I found out I was pregnant--I kept it a secret--partly out of fear (I did not want to lose another baby) and partly because I wanted to hold onto every single moment.  My fears quickly went away when I gave Eric his birthday present--a box that had a tiny piece of paper that said we were having another baby!  He was overjoyed and amazed that I could have kept it a secret.  I wore purple that pregnancy.  We bought the cabin that year and Eric spent 3 months in Japan and came home two weeks before she was born. 

When Olivia was born she changed all our lives.  Charlotte had a best friend that she would discover in 6 years, Joseph had the playmate he always wanted and would discover that Olivia would help him, play with him and be a huge encouragement in 6 years,  Eric would find a baby that adored him and he couldn't help stopping whatever he was doing for her (partly because she wouldn't allow anything else but his full attention).  As I held my baby for the first time I had no idea that she would be so inspiring and provide others with the energy to continue the task at hand.  Olivia is equal amounts of peacefulness and intensity.

I am so blessed. She is so wonderfully made and Joy-filled. Maybe we should have called her Joy!

Thank you God for allowing me to raise up this beautiful girl to serve you.

My Laundry Room



We have lived so many places I have had to adjust, shift and squeeze my laundry system.  In our smallest condo we had the biggest space!  Dallas I had a laundry closet in the kitchen!  In California I had a laundry closet and I had the washer and dryer stacked to have more room-- when we bought the house we had zero money left over, so it was a  cat room for a long time and I painted it a turquoise.  In our Ann Arbor home we had a laundry room and I had The Closet Company put up shelving and cupboards above the washer and dryer--for this project I thought I did a great job of planning--I talked with several Moms with lots of kids and had a great design--every kid had their own spot for shoes, coats and backpacks.  And now once again I have had to get acquainted with how the laundry room in this house will be used.  It is not really a laundry room but more of a laundry hallway--if you can call it a hallway, maybe entrance way, or area where you walk into the house through the garage.  It is a smallish space for the amount of activity that happens.  The washer and dryer are on one side and on the other side in a pantry.
When we moved into this house we had a washer that worked but not a dryer--so the dryer became a shelf.  It was a small pile at first and then it grew.  Once the water park opened up a mere 8 houses away--it held swim gear for the 6 of us plus extra suits, towels x2 per person, swim diapers, a pool bag, floaty things and pool toys.  It kept morphing and growing until it grew so high that I needed to get a stool to reach things.  It became the area for "anything" summer related.  Did I mention that it still was the home for Luke's changing table?  Luke is potty trained but the dryer just didn't look like a dryer if it didn't also double as a changing table.

With the old dryer gone and a new one in place--I made the washer and dryer the same height and now have a system.  I run a load of clothes when it needs it and then once it is dry I sort by person and then when the bin gets full that person folds and puts away their clothes.  Charlotte is really the one who does the washing, drying and sorting of the clothes but I get the assist.  We may do two loads in one day and we often skip days. 

What I love is that the laundry is contained.  All the laundry has a home.  Everyone is responsible for their own stuff and I'm loving that.  I used to do laundry once a week and it was a daunting task but now I feel like it is doable.  I don't have tons of laundry piled up and the laundry is contained in a manageable workload for the kids.  The girls wear uniforms but not enough to get through the week so we often pull from the bins which is less to fold and put away. 

For right now this system seems to be working.  I can change it if need be but I am excited that I finally have a system that works after trying so many other ways of doing laundry. 

God thank you for my washer and dryer.  Thank God for the man or woman who thought up the idea and built the first washer and dryer.   Thank you God for providing such a never ending tasks to keep our hands busy and our minds set on you. 

Psalm 139: Part 1

Psalm 139 has been popping up in my life.  The first time was a book that I gave Joseph for his birthday "On the night you were born" and then a few days later we were studying science and "you were wonderfully and fearfully made" and finally a few friends mentioned it in their blogs. 

Sometimes in life you hear the whisper that tells you to stop for a minute.  Pause.  Be still.  Reflect.  STOP!!!  I can imagine God  stomping up and down wondering why I'm not listening to him --moving onto the the next guy until I can stop and listen.

Doesn't He know that I have a basement full of boxes, wood trim to paint in the newly installed windows, breakfast-lunch-dinner, sweeping, laundry, my therapy work with Luke, homeschooling Joseph, helping the girls with homework and the daily drama, and a wonderful husband to devote a few minutes of quality time each day!!! 

Actually God does know what I have to do.  God knows that I try to give thanks in everything.  God knows when I finally sit at the end of the night it is in exhaustion.  God knows when I will be snippy with my kids.  God forgives me, I forgive myself and we try to start fresh the next day. 

Thank you God for each tomorrow that you have perfectly planned for me. 

Labor Day Weekend 2011

We have a small cabin in Michigan.  The cabin has a history.  My dad built it and I have it now.  I love the cabin and the kids do as well.  We have started our own traditions there and having ice cream at the Peach Pit is one of them.

My sister in law gave me some flowers to plant in the sand around the cabin.  I'm surprised that anything grows.  We have planted many flowers and trees.  Enough to make it more like home but not so much it requires lots of up keep.  We do have boat rides and beaches to visit.

 This is the last sunset that I saw this year.  With school and soccer starting in August our summer seemed to end too soon. 

Our last fire in our make shift fire pit. 

 

This Labor Day weekend is spent at home and not at our cabin.  It doesn't quite feel right but it is where our family is at right now.  I wish that the adjustment was easier.  I love the boat rides, fishing, watching the kids explore the same lake I did as a kid, I miss my cabin friends but most of all I miss the feeling quiet. 

Feeling peaceful.

Feeling rested.

Feeling renewed.

Feeling like I'm home.

Thank you God for creating such an awesome place where it is so easy to find you.



Nine Years and 364 Days Ago

Thank you God for the gift of my son Joseph.  I realize that he is yours and I am his keeper for you.  Help me guide him, support him, and love him as you do for me.

I was scared and lonely when I was pregnant with Joseph.  We lived in Livermore, California--far away from family and friends.  I lost my first baby before Joseph.  I'm not sure why God made the choice to take that baby but I do know that because of our loss we have become different parents. 

I told Eric on our first date that I wanted 6 kids.  He did not run so I figured he was on board with my "number".  Eric knew how much I wanted to be a Mom and he knew how devastating it was to have such a traumatic loss.  He hid his heartbreak in order to keep me going.  I will always be grateful for that.  Eric is a loving father to our kids on Earth and our kids in Heaven.

We were both so excited to be pregnant and scared to death at the same time.  The night before Joseph was born--nine years ago and 364 days ago my doula came to the house and calmed our fears.  She gave me an awesome massage.  I felt light and wonderful--like I could do anything.  Then I did the most amazing thing--I popped out a baby!  The birthing was pretty easy and all caught on video.  I wanted to save every moment in case this was my only chance to have a baby.  That fear of loss never really goes away--it just hides.

Joseph is an awesome kid.  I can't believe he is almost 10.  He comes to give me a kiss every night--he stays up much later than I--and I love his smiling eyes.  God gave me a most incredible gift and I thank him each day.  God made me a Mom and he picked out Joseph just for me.  Now that is an awesome God.  I tell Joseph that he is here because God made him for this family.  I haven't told him the rest of the story--that he has more siblings waiting for him in heaven who cheer for him at his soccer games and watch over him.  For now I am keeping those comforting thoughts to myself.

A New View

We are getting new windows in our new house--the house is new to us but the windows are very old and need to be replaced.  We knew that we needed new windows since the home inspection so this purchase is necessary and somewhat planned on our part.  The cost however was not planned.  We knew it would be expensive but we did not have a full understanding until I started getting quotes.  After careful thought came we came up with a five year plan--year 1:  main floor windows, year 2:  upstairs windows and maybe a new front door, year 3:  siding, year 4:  roof, year 5:  hopefully hardwood floors in my kitchen and dining room! 

I have looked at these windows as a burden.  Something that had to be fixed.  Another thing that had to be scheduled.  Money to be spent.  For two days the house is turned upside down as these wonderful men work magic in areas that I had no hope for.

At this moment I am looking at these windows differently.  I see new, clean, and operational windows.  Some of the windows are a different design--the same size of window but they seem bigger somehow.  I am seeing the beauty of making this house our home.  Making this house OURS.  I'm looking into reaplacing the vertical blinds in the kitchen and replacing them with flowing sheers.  Or maybe I will knit a curtain for the kitchen.  I am planning ahead in a joyful way.  I love making curtains and drapery--a simple change can make such a big difference.  Not only in windows but in life.  I guess it all depends on how we choose to view things.

Windows are metaphorically an interesting idea; how we look out at others, how others look in at us, they let the let us see the light and the darkness of life, how God shuts a door but opens a window.  In movies windows are very big moments--the train scene, the reflection in the rear view mirror (I know a mirror is a mirror and not a window but . . . ), the gazing out the window on a rainy day . . . In Ann Arbor I disliked my windows very much--they had a 9 pane design which made me feel as though I was trapped in a house--with small children--which I was--sort of--but the window didn't help.  I did have window sills and I don't have that in this house--the yin and the yang of my life with windows.  Window of opportunity.  A window with a fresh baked pie cooling.  A sliver of sunshine peeking through to warm the bones of an old cat.  A window big enough to have 4 kids waving good bye to Daddy every morning.  The window above my sink where I can enjoy my back garden. 

God thank you for giving me the vision concerning the long term plans of this house.  My home is dedicated to you--I hope you like what we picked out! 

The Basement Museum

We have been in our house now for 15 weeks and we still have too many boxes to go through.  I am painfully going through each one and organizing "stuff" and then I decide if I want to keep it, recycle or trash it.  It seems like it should be pretty straightforward but it isn't.  It is like my own personal museum of precious artifacts.  I have the Single pre-Eric era, the Early Years of migrating to Dallas, TX, Palatine, IL and Livermore CA and the Starting a family Period and now finally the Raising of the Family.  Within each time frame I have too many things that are laced with too many wonderful memories of that time.  How can I get rid of scrapbook supplies--especially now that that girls may be interested.  Or my rollerblades, books never read, journals never finished, quilts 1/2 done and the list goes on and on.  How many winter coats do I need, hats, mittens, it is just all a little too much.

That is just my stuff!  I have mega blocks, transformers, almost every lego ever made, craft and art supplies for kids, building blocks, a million books, a rocking horse, Little People, and so much dress up I don't know what to do with. 

My goal is to have our basement finished by Christmas.  I want to go through each box and make thoughtful decisions and spread the word on what I have so that I can hopefully give things a good home. 

I'm not sure how I got to this place.  I know that it is too much and I feel good about letting go and getting rid of the excess.  When I look at it all it is much easier to tell my kids no they don't need another (insert latest thing) and for me it means that I really don't need anything either. 

We have been weeding out since last November and I look forward to when the biggest chunk of this project is finally behind us and we can move forward in making more purposeful purchases.  It has been an awakening for all of us.  When the kids look at a pile of stuffed animals it become obvious that they don't "need" all of them.  When I get all of my quilts organized I think about all the hours I spent on those projects and I remember picking out the fabric, researching the history of the pattern and the excitement of beginning the project. 

Thank you God for giving me the determination to complete these projects and the grace to learn from my mistakes.  Please help me make wise decisions when I make purchases.

Listening

I found a poster during the move.  I have had it so long I have no idea when I got it--best guess is mid-80's and it is covered in plexiglass and a very cheap frame 1 foot x 3 feet and it has a little boy holding up a shell to a little girls ear . . .

Listening to your heart,
finding out who you are,
is not simple.

It takes time for the chatter to quiet down.
In the silence of  "not doing" we begin to know
what we feel.

If we listen and hear what is being offered,
then anything in life can be our guide.

Listen.

In this house with four busy kids and a chatty mom and a "war and peace explanation" kind of dad--it is very hard to find quiet time.  Even during the daily mandatory quiet time--it is not always quiet. 

I have always told the kids to quiet thier minds and quiet their bodies down but I rarely have followed that advice.  Now as I have begun to live more in the moment of each day I am beginning to find a peacefulness that I did not know existed. 

Thank you God for this gift of peace that I find when I am seeking you quietly.  

Happy Birthday to Me!

Thank you God for the gift of life.  I am positive that you created me for a special purpose.  I have listened to the whisper over the past several months and I have thought about your plan for my life.  I welcome Your guidance and Your grace as I attempt to figure it all out.

I feel as though now--this moment--I need to look at things in a new way.  I want to become the person God intended me to be.  Today is my day to look back and smile at my accomplishments and my failures. 

Tomorrow is my day to begin this new chapter of my life.  So long ago my mother gave me life and now I feel as though I am going to start living it! 




 

Naptime

Thank you God for helping my kids sleep.  I know that everyone's minds are racing and unable to focus.  Tomorrow is the big day when we move into "the BIG House" as Luke calls it--not sure if he thinks we are moving into a big house, wishes it was a big house or wants to live in UM stadium. 

We have stayed in 4 different places in less than a week.  We can't find anything.  We all want to just have a spot and not feel like we need to move. 

These last few weeks have made us all think about what we "really" need in life.  I now know that I can simplify to a greater extent when we unpack boxes.  We did get rid of lots and lots of things when we found out we were moving but now I know what I need.  As I go along in life I want to remember this time and continue to re-evaluate how much I need. 

By this time tomorrow I hope to be cooking up something wonderful for dinner--our "kitchen" in the hotel has 2 burners--only ONE works.  I hope to be watching the kids explore the new backyard.  I hope we can all discover our own spots in the new house.  I pray that my house will become a home, a sanctuary and a welcoming place to all who enter. 

I pray for patience.  I know that I will want it all done now. 

God thank you for this awesome opportunity to serve you in ways that are obvious and in ways that you have  yet to reveal.

A Journey to the Cross-Roads

I've just come home from the awesome homeschool coop that we attend and I'm really just filled with the joy of knowing Jesus. 

I had all the kids with me at coop and it felt so right to have them all in one place, one great place. 

In my wonderful bible study where I try desperately to keep up . . . I feel extremely supported, loved and lifted in prayer.  The women are amazing.  During the last semester we studied Ruth and this semester we are studying Philemon--in both books we go into great detail about the "journey" of the people-Ruth, Naomi, Timothy, Luke, Paul and names I can't say or spell.  It is also the second week of Lent.  I wonder what Jesus was doing at this time as he was knowingly on his journey to the cross. 

Lent for me this year is taking a road to the cross in a way that I have never before let myself experience.  A journey.  I think that I have always tried to honor the Lenten season by fasting, praying, almsgiving, going to the fish fry, and trying to generally be more mindful of being a child of God.  This year we move to another state the week after Easter.  This year my state of mind is more fully open to listen to God. 

I'm looking at this Lenten season as a cross roads--God has presented this wonderful opportunity before me--to move far away from "home" and how will I embrace this time of change and challenge.  I look at the cross with different eyes.  I do not see the dying son of God but for the first time I see the Risen Christ.  I see a beautiful new everything unfolding before my eyes and opening my heart. 

Our move will be a new beginning in every part of our lives; as husband and wife, as a family and individually.  We will need to help each other, love one another, lift up and hold on tight in a way that we have not had to do until now.  I feel vulnerable.  I feel like my life as I know it is crashing down and spilling all around me.  I am scared.  Then I hear the words "I am with you always" and I know that I am not alone.  I remember that I am called as a child of God to use my gifts to glorify him.  I remember that my vocation as a joyful wife and mother will consume almost all of my time.  I will try to pray every minute of the day.  I will fail at all of these things that I try so hard to accomplish but I know each day gives me another opportunity to succeed.

Thank you God for being the master planner!  My job of breakfast, lunch, dinner and laundry is the way that I can thank you for taking care of the rest.  Thank you for putting so many wonderful people in my life to help me open my eyes to your message.  Thank you for making this Lenten journey one that will make me open to you and open to seeing Jesus in everyone that I meet. 

Sweet Potato Muffins

This is my recipe for Sweet Potato or Pumpkin or Banana Walnut Chocolate Chip Muffins:

3 or 4 eggs
1/2 cup of unsweetened applesauce
1 or 2 cups of sweet potato, canned pumpkin or bananas
1 1/2 cups sugar
3 cups flour
2 tsp baking soda
2 tsp baking powder
spices to compliment the sweet potato, pumpkin or banana
1 tsp salt
1 Tsp ground flax seed or maybe ground walnuts
1/2 bag of mini chocolate chips

Bake at 350 or 400 for 15-25 minutes.  I make mini muffins and regular size and a loaf pan on occasion.

I enjoy cooking.  I enjoy cooking for Eric who has a very enthusiastic appreciation for my cooking and baking talents.  Today I made 3 dozen sweet potato muffins and not one is left!  I enjoy cooking for my friends.  Tomorrow with the help of some little ones I will be making 4 dozen more muffins to share in hopes that it will not only nourish the body but feed the spirit with caring, love, patience and peacefulness. 

Thank you God for giving me the desire to cook healthyish food for my family and friends when it would be easier to just go to the store and pluck something off the shelf.  Thank you God for giving me the patience to teach my kids how to cook AND clean the kitchen afterwards.  Thank you God for my husband who supports my creative kitchen. 

Song of Songs 6:3

I am my beloved and my beloved is mine.

I have these words on my wedding ring in Hebrew.  Eric gave it to me on my St. Valentine's Day card this year.  How romantic.

A lifetime ago I was out running with 3 dogs in downtown Ann Arbor and ran past a jewelry store window and a ring with dogs on it caught my eye!  I thought how cool was that--I love my dogs--I want my dogs at my wedding--I want this ring.  When I actually found out that the ring did not have dogs on it but had Hebrew lettering that look very much like dogs (with a creative imagination) I was a little embarrassed but fell in love with the ring and the idea of wearing such beautiful and meaningful words. 

Thank you God for the gift of my husband.  Please give me the grace to be a loving and respectful wife--no matter what!

Vacation Time!!!

Last week was just crazy.  Some of it I scheduled  in but the rest was imposed upon me.  I do try to plan ahead and I most often look at the week and have my outfits ready to go as I fold the laundry.  One day in particular was so planned, then unplanned and then it changed again . . . I had switched outfits for the following day 5 times and then when the dust settled I ended up wearing what I had picked out originally.  I'm sure in crisis my outfit should not matter but knowing what I'm going to wear the next day gives me a sense of having a jump on the day--as if one day I may actually get the early worm. 

Friday was very busy in a very fun way and at the end of the day, Joseph and I were talking about our week, and I told him I felt like I could use a vacation.  He was so excited "where will we go Mom--Legoland again"?  I had to break the news to him that I wanted just a vacation for me and to spend it in my bed.  "Without us"?  So I tried to explain the best way I knew how that I loved him very much but sometimes I just want to sit in the quiet and not really have to do anything.  "Isn't that what naptime is for"?  I agreed that naptime was the perfect time to have a quiet Mommy time.  All was right again in his world.  But the idea of having time to just sit was one that I wanted to hold onto.

On Saturday Eric came home.  He stays for 22 hours and then leaves.  This weekend we had only a few errands that included all of us and I was looking forward to a nice meal together and then a quiet evening.  My friend had offered to watch the kids so we were able to have some time together without kids--to not have interruptions was a beautiful thing.  We could start and end entire sentences.  We could finish an entire topic without forgetting what we were thinking.  It was refreshing.

By the time Eric left-- we had the laundry done, grocery shopping done, meals for the week planned, outfits in order, and the schedule for the week updated with the latest events.  I was finished.  Except for lunch, dinner and bathtime.

So I sat on the couch and watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Brum with my kids for the afternoon and worked on a knitting project.  What an amazing vacation.  It lasted about 4 hours.  I sat and my kids came and went working on several different projects.  I think that they enjoyed my vacation too.

Thank you God for giving us the gift of time.  Help me use each moment of the day to serve you--and when I fail please gently remind me that I have right now, this moment, to change.

Non-stop

I feel very busy lately.  Not busy in a good way but more in a non-stop way of not being able to catch my breath and help my kids sound out a word  or figure out what digit is in the  thousands place.  Too busy to repeat the word Pop Pop three times in hopes that my baby actually practices the word that he tries so hard to say, too busy to enjoy my wonderful  house (in the fleeting time I have left), my kids and my husband when he calls me. 

As I kiss my last big boy goodnight I notice the switch plate--it is a dump truck--his room was first Bob the Builder and then just construction in a Tonka sort of way and I wonder if I should pack that and take it to the new house.  I'm so not ready to leave this home where we finally created our family and embraced a life full faith.  This home holds so many memories and I'm scared that when we leave here that my memories will be gone. 

In this crazy time I can see a dump truck and it makes me cry.  As I type this I sit in the office/nursery and see Pooh helping Piglet and resting with Tigger and I think about all the times that I sat in this room and had quiet time with my babies.  I know in my heart that I am starting a new exciting chapter in my life with my kids and my husband and yet I long for those moments that seemed to last forever.  I remember seeing each one of my babies falling asleep in my arms and I hold on to that moment. 

God, thank you for my babies.  Each day I realize how precious they are and what a gift you have given me.  I beg you to give me the grace to me the mother that you desire and the mother that they need.

Just one thing

I wish that I could have one thing that I was interested in and do it.  To just enjoy one thing and get really, really super good at it.  But no--I can't.  I love to knit, but before knitting it was crochet, quilting, scrapbooking, cooking, gardening, running, having pets--dogs, cats, fish, birds and any stray anything that needs food and water, pottery and jewelry making. 

When my daughter was asked at school what she wanted to be she said "an artist, teacher, Mom, animal shelter worker, hair cutter (she did have too much emphasis on the cutting part), and food network/cooker.  I thought to myself she will have the same trouble in life in deciding what to do.  At least she can come and visit my basement and "shop" for her latest passion.

In getting ready for this move I have been thinking about what I should focus on for this season of my life.  I'm only thinking and not coming up with ideas of what I could eliminate or thin out.  It is like getting rid of all my baby stuff--a mourning process needs to begin.  I'm not quite there yet. 

One thing is for sure--breakfast, lunch, dinner, laundry, sweeping the floor, and keeping everyone going in forward motion--will fill my day. 

Thank you God for giving me the grace to do what I do over and over and remain a joyful mom--mostly.

On my own--again

Sunday is a hard day.  Eric leaves on Sunday and I know that I can do anything and everything by myself it is just so much more enjoyable with Eric.  I will say that Eric and I approach every situation, problem, issue, life in general extremely differently from each other yet--it works for us.  We are almost always in agreement on everything from style of houses to choice of bathroom rugs--I'm not sure how this happens.  It must be divine intervention.

I know that God has a plan for our lives and especially at this moment in time,  I know deep down that I will grow from this experience.  My goal each day is to joyfully serve the Lord--some days I do a better job than others.   Our lives are the most stressful that they have ever been and to be joyful when I'm trying to get everyone out the door in the morning from school, listening to the bickering, when I run out of milk because I "thought" I had another one, when I step in something gross, when I'm just tired and want to just sit for a few minutes . . .

God, thank you for my husband.  I know that this is a time of hardship/growth for him as well as for me.  May the Holy Spirit be with him as he travels.  Help us to be the song in each others heart and not be afraid to sing.

Happy New Year!

I just read two other blogs that were very inspiring.  I should not read other blogs before trying to write mine. 

I think that for this New Year I will attempt to not compare myself with others.  I'm not sure when I started to measure myself by others rather than myself. 

This year I want to be happy with who I am becoming and knowing that I do my best each day. 

We are moving to IL soon and the process of weeding through a life's worth of "things" has been hard.  I was told that if I don't need it now--get rid of it.  If I wouldn't buy it today to serve a purpose in my house--get rid of it.  It was a great feeling to get rid of things--the stuff that has kept me from moving on. 

One of the things that I shed were all the maternity related items--clothes, bouncy seats, bassinets, baby clothes and it felt good at the time but now that longing is coming back.  I know that I have my hands very full with my 4 kids and it would be a blessing to have another but my body just isn't working in that way anymore.  I need to move forward and enjoy what I do have not what I don't.  My mind knows that but my heart doesn't.

Thank you God for my family that I love more than anything.  God, please help me trust in you--that these kids and this husband were chosen by you for me.  Calm my heart in knowing that this is where I am supposed to be.